On Planet Lyrica, there's no such thing as the "R" word

The only labels I'd give her is
Smart. Beautiful. And Full of Potential.  

Several years ago, when I worked for United Way, I referred to a silly idea as "gay". Shortly afterwards, an openly gay co-worker of mine confronted me. What exactly did I mean by "gay" and did I have any idea how hurtful it was to use that word as a disparaging term?  At the time, I was taken aback and even a bit offended.  How dare she accuse me of being discriminatory! I considered myself to be as open and unprejudiced as anyone I knew, and certainly didn't mean anything by it.  Looking back now, however, I completely understand how my poor choice of words could hurt someone and am deeply sorry I was unable to recognize it at the time.  

Fast forward to the once-a-year IEP (individual education plan) meeting that parents of special needs children have with teachers, administrators, counselors, speech and language therapists, social workers and any other relevant expert providing care to your child. Every three years, the IEP is updated and includes testing, progress reports, recommendations and parental input on the special services and educational approaches deemed necessary or helpful for your child to reach their full potential. 

I speak only as a parent when I say these meetings are PAINFUL. It's one thing as a parent to know deep down that your child has challenges. Sometimes, even insurmountable challenges. It's quite another, however, to see documented test results in writing. Or to hear the clinical evaluation of your child's cognitive ability. Or to hear how few, if any, friends your child has. I have rarely made it through one of these meetings without tears and am often sick to my stomach for hours.  

Made even worse is the fact that state laws rarely keep up with the times. In the state of Illinois, a child like Lyric can only receive special services in junior high or high school if she tests out as Mentally Retarded. That's right. Autism doesn't mean a thing. But Retarded does. So parents of autistic children like Lyric must choose to have their child's IQ tested and "hope?" for the Mentally Retarded distinction. (The educational field often refers to this as MR but I'm using the real words on purpose. It's a bit uncomfortable, isn't it? ) During Lyric's IEP this fall, her dad and I were required to verbally accept the label, "Mentally Retarded" or "Cognitively Disabled" by answering the question not once, but twice from the Psycologist "So, do you choose to label Lyric as Cognitivally Disabled?" CHOOSE to label her? You mean...if we want our daughter to get every ounce of support she can possibly have to be as successful as possible, then actually, we have NO CHOICE but to label her, right?  So yes, we agree.

Ugh. Ugh. and more Ugh.

This brings me back to unintentional use of words that can sting and hurt in ways you might never imagine. For me and for countless moms and dads of special needs children everywhere, the word retarded is not funny. It's not cute. It's not harmless. It hurts. (So too do "short bus" jokes. My daughter actually rode one back and forth to special ed preschool so you won't see me laughing....) My dear husband learned this lesson the hard way. One night, while we were dating, he was bantering during dinner with one of his buddies and quoted a movie line about "retards". The anger and tears that followed I'm quite certain have stayed with both him and his friend to this day. In fact, Pat has become quite the "R" word detector and will often look (very quickly and anxiously) in my direction and wait for my reaction. Or, as he did last night, he'll actually call out his closest friends on it.

I've actually chosen NOT to call anyone out on it (besides poor Pat) in my presence. Until now of course.  I hear it at work. I hear it with friends. I hear it from people in the education field. (I know - crazy).  I even heard it at least 3 times over the holidays from close family members. I know in my heart that people are not using the word to be offensive. Or to be callous or uncaring.  Unfortunately, it's become a common word to describe something or someone that's stupid - (just as I had used "gay" to descibe a silly idea). In the end however, it's a word that means way more than most people will ever understand.

So please, if you start to use the word to joke or be funny, think twice. Think about kids like Lyric, who is way more than the Mentally Retarded or Cognitively Disabled labels the state requires her to have. Those labels will never define her or kids like her, but words like retarded will certainly hurt them. So think twice. Then think again. And choose your words more wisely.

Planet Lyrica appreciates it.